To be honest, I'm such a chicken. I chicken out on most of things. Specially on BOLD decisions which I think at my age, I should be capable of already. And since I have that much time now, let me show my "8 things I'd rather die than be caught doing":
1. I've never really tested myself with the "INDEPENDENCE" that I've been claiming to have.
I'm pretty scared. Specially with moving out. It scares the shit out of me. Well, it's not because I can't take care of the house because I just know I can! Because I'm the "I can keep things the same EXACT way even if I use it" type of person. Growing up with my dad kind of training. I know how to do household chores (yes, I know!). Taking care is easy but MANAGING it is a whole new story. I'm kind of scared with the BIGGER responsibility of household bills, food budgeting. Things like that.
2. I don't usually do UNPLANNED or UNEXPECTED things.
Ever since I got my heart broken (wait, when was that? LOL), yes, again, ever since I got my heart broken, I've been living like a robot. I have been doing nothing but build this certain wall so that I could avoid the feeling of getting hurt. In my case, controlling everything was my escape. Every little detail had to be planned and I tend to over think things a lot. Who could blame me? after several heartbreaks, I couldn't really trust anyone even myself on the decisions I make. I was over protective of my heart that no one could ever see right through it. I live by MILLIONs of post-its, to-do lists posted on my walls. If you see a space full of post-its with reminders, that's my TURF! haha! I have several planners where my schedule is usually plotted. And if you we're a kidnapper thinking of kidnapping me, you'd probably have an easy time finding me. To top it all, due to my kookoo moves of being too controlling, I even put reminders on my phone. I turn down unexpected invitations or I get pissed when there's a sudden change of plan.
3. I don't like constant texting or calling.
It suffocates me. It feels like being tracked or something for me. I don't like sending mushy "i miss you's" to anyone in the world! Well, I used to. But again, I have been building a wall that made my heart stay on an ICE BOX and the SWEETNESS i once had is just... A mere memory of how I used to be.
4. I hate being SLEEP DEPRIVED.
Call me a POLAR bear but I literraly like sleeping like a BABY. I need to get sleep atleast 12 hrs a day. 10hrs would mean I needed to get up early. and8 hrs would mean I'm sleep deprived and 6 hrs would mean SUICIDE already. I love sleeping. I hate people who manage to disturb my sleep through calls and sms.
5. I don't do breakfast
Breakky is the most important meal of the day they say. I don't believe in that. Again, due to my sleep addiction, I'd rather sleep than do breakfast. An extra hour of sleep would feel so much better than a full tummy for me. hahaha!
6. I can't drink coffee
At a young age, I have been taking care of my baby gastritis. As early as highschool, I've been taking medications for my gastritis attacks. Well, I grew up keeping up with the prescribed medicines and practices. And that includes COFFEE. And yet again, because I live practically on PLANNED things, I have given up coffee because it's one of my reminders, my post-its.
7. I don't laugh alone while reading messages/tweets.
Generally speaking, I don't like being crazy or do random crazy things in front of people. I am that kind of person.
8. I don't like being tagged on facebook pictures/check-ins
Well this one's funny. When Facebook was a bit more fun and I was kinda pro-actively updating mine, I don't like being tagged on pictures (there was still no check-in's then!) My friends know this that yes I would agree to having my pictures taken but tagging me, would be a major sin for me. Here's my CONFESSION: sorry for those who had their pictures taken with me but for some odd reason, it got burried somewhere in my history. haha! I don't like being tagged because, I kinda think that when you're tagged on a picture with someone, it goes without saying that you've just been tagged HIS already. And I don't like that. Again, who would blame me? I was young and wild and free :) same goes with check-ins, if people sees who you're with, then they'd make wild guesses and rumors and I, again, wanted to avoid that.
So what am I going to do with this list? Yes I know, I've kept it for years!!! So let me put you on a positive note.
Lucky me, I met good people in my life who have surprisingly crossed out every bit of detail here on my list. And the good part is, I might be down to just one or two left. I've said this before I know but I've changed a lot since they've become my friends. And NOW, here's my take on that list.
1. I'm
And NOW I am ALMOST excited to move out not because I am ready but because I know I CAN take on anything now. Watching all my friends being independent makes me feel like I can do it too. And the fear which haunts me a lot has changed. Maybe I'm ALMOST ready, but not quite yet.
2. I
My crew? (eww! so swagger!) haha! They're all about unexpected things! Although there are times that out of town trips are planned, most of the things that happen DURING the trip is crazier! The good thing though is, after being too doubtful, I've learned to accept the fact that unexpecting is indeed one of the most fulfilling moment. I learned to embrace the thought of not having any assurance but still decide to wait. I learned that life is so much more fun when I don't over think things. They literally taught me to LIVE and BREATHE.
3. I
Like what I said, I used to like that. And now I'm back to being that sweet! That's how they've been for me. Before, I wouldn't notice how sweet we are to each other. Checking on each other thru texts or still keeping contact despite our busy schedules. We call each other whenever there's something CRAZY happened. And you know what? Whenever something great happens to me, I text or call anyone of my friends. Because I know that I'd find in them the feeling of satisfaction that I shared my joys with them.
4. I
Now I can sleep for just two hours and won't get grumpy about it. Sometimes, I am just running on caffeine. It's not that I hate sleep now, it's just that I know it's more FUN to stay up late and be with them rather than being in my dreams. Now, my reality is better than my dreams.
5. I
Breakky went in my system somewhere along the way. hahaha! Despite the fact that me and my friends drink a lot, we don't skip meals. That's why I guess, my gastritis hasn't been showing up. Except when I abuse his patience though. hahaha! Now I can't pass on breakfast. It makes me grumpy! LOL
6. I
My friends are coffee drinkers. They are inlove with coffee more than I am. That was BEFORE I started drinking coffee again. Now my coffee is, the more bitter it is the better. I've learned to skip the CREAMERs because I kinda think dairy makes my tummy unhappy a few hours after taking it into my system.
7. I
I am crazy because I hang out with crazy people. hahaha! And they can make me laugh hard even with just an SMS or tweet. Could you imagine how it is when we are together? Expect laughters and more laughters til we get tired of laughing.
8. I
Now my facebook is full of tagged photos and check-ins. Sometimes, I even do the tagging myself. Maybe it's because the control freak in me learned that whatever I do or whoever I choose to be with now, NOBODY has the right to make a fuss out of it. That's one of the many perks of being SINGLE so people, DEAL with it. hahaha. And I have made a secret pact with myself that I ain't posing and have my picture taken beside someone I'm not sure of what I'm feeling anymore. EHEM! :)
There goes my list. Told you, ALMOST done with it. Soon, it would be useless already. But it's good to sometimes do a self-check and this list would be of great help.
Here's my take on this: life is a gift and HOW TO LIVE is a matter of choice. Whatever it is that you do or did, whoever you're with, wherever you are is a result of the choices you make or have made. For several years I've lived according to post-its, schedulers, planners and phone reminders. It's not that I regret it because at some point it helped me a lot with the coping. But you can't stay where you were before just because you got your heart broken or you lost someone dear to you. What am I getting at? The decisions we make makes us who we are now. Those decisions gives you either satisfaction, happiness or a sense of security.
My decisions aren't perfect. But I've learned that whatever you desire, you go follow it. Because in the end, it would still be the same YOU. Just with a bit of damage here and there maybe but still you. Don't live by what-if's. Because you can't change the world or how it treats you, but you can definitely change how you live in it with your decisions.
Make bolder, wiser ones and if it fails, charge it to experience and learn from it. Heal. Then try again. I'm not saying it's as easy as 1-2-3 but it's a whole lot easier than living a life full of regrets because of decisions not made. :)
'Til next.
Ciao Bellas,
Alex
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