As far as I could remember, the last time I wrote anything romantic about "LOVE" was back in 2009. The year when I got my heart so broken and on that same year, I tried over again and failed. Then that was it. I've been denying this ever since but to be honest, I've given up on love waaaay way back.
For many of my friends, it's a not a secret. And for the first time, in the last three years, I am openly talking about it. I've been the most vulnerable person. Most of you might say it doesn't seem like it but truth of the matter is, yes. I've changed a lot after that break-up. It has given me the chance to reinvent and make myself better at the same lose my strength to fall in love again. For someone who has soooo much love to give, I've always been a failure.
I had the hardest time moving on. And I guess everyone would agree to that. In movies you'd see girls crying there hearts out, not being able to eat, staring blankly on thin air became a hobby, loss of sleep and even alcohol won't affect their body. I've been through all those and so much more. I could go by a day with just purely drinking beer and no food intake at all. All the while I thought things that happen in the movies are fictional. And my experience proved me wrong.
No words could ever explain how "HURT" feels. No book would ever be able to teach you how coping up should be. And no time is LONG enough for wounds to heal. It scars you forever and just like any other scar, it will be there. No matter how long it has been or how healed it is. It's within you, deep inside you.
And because I'm crazy like that, this entry will go AAAALLLLLL the way down to the last drop of detail. :) So, GOODLUCK for me. (DISCLAIMER: For the sake of the other people involved, I will not drop names, i hope you understand)
I GET YOU SHAMCEY SUPSUP!
A few months in my healing stage back in 2009, i met a BOY. Someone who gave me back a part of me that I lost in my previous break-up. He was, indeed, a prince charming. Literally and figuratively. EHEM! We started going out and for everyone to know, I TOOK THE CHANCE. I guess I was still hung-over by the previous love story that I thought to myself, GO AHEAD! So most of you might be asking, THEN WHAT ALEX? of course! It ended. Not as happily ever after as I expected it to be. I am admitting that I fell in love with someone who worships a different God. As what Shamcey told the universe, "If I have to change my religious belief, I will not marry the person I love because the first person that I love is God and He created me. And I have my faith, my principles and it what makes me who I am. And if that person loves me, he should love my God." It was not just a question of faith. It was a question of changing who I've been for the past years. Though things didn't work out between the two of us, he has never failed to remind me that he's thankful every January 24th because my creator gave the world one crazy curly catholic girl who loves inevitably.
And that was when I forgot to get my heart back to shape.
The next guys are, of course, guys I met from my friends who have been very supportive and eager to find me a new prince charming.
First sign of ENGINEER ADDICTION.
Mapua hunky had me kilig all over. He was sweet and all those. We almost had it. Then I snapped. I just woke up and I couldn't stand being sweet to him and him being sweet to me. Yes I know I'm crazy but that was how it all went honestly. I woke up and just shut my phone and wouldn't answer him at all 'til he called me one night, actually in the wee hours of the night, asking me what was wrong. Then knowing Alex, who loves sleeping, was rudely screaming on the phone telling him to leave her alone. THE END.
BREAK IT ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
then came wedding coordinator, who by the way, is a good guy. A very simple guy. My sister and brother in law liked him a lot because he was nice. But I guess I just woke up again one day realizing that I don't want to prolong the thing of us going out while i'm still in doubt about us. So one gimik night, we went to this club and that was when I broke the news to him that it's not going to work out and I'm sorry. THE END.
NEW WORLD, NEW MARKET.
Immediately after, I met a NEW GUY again. This one was different. He was already working like I was but I wasn't PHYSICALLY attracted to him. BUt he seemed nice and he was indeed a funny guy. This time, I was thinking, if I can't be physically attracted to him, why the hell was I fond of him? I had to find out. So we talked. We texted. Things like that again. And then, that's when I realized I'm not ready to settle down. Crazy as it seems but I just thought that, with all the heartaches and hardships I went through just to get to where I was on that exact moment, I had to choose the best among the rest. In short, I was thinking of considering dating other people in the mean time. And he wasn't up to that. And I understood. THE END
WHEN IT RAINS, IT FOURS.
I dated FOUR different guys all at the same time. So what? you're going to judge me now? hahaha! what was a girl, in her early twenties got to do? settle down and have kids? maybe for some but definitely not for me! :) and it got boring again for me and there wasn't anything special, so I ditched them. One by one. BBBBBAAAAAAADDDDDDDD Alex!!!!!!!
MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE.
Well there's a reason why he's my ALL TIME FAVORITE. Do you know that moment in your life where you're choosing which shoes or dress you want to wear for that special date? And you'd choose that one specific pair of shoes or clothing among the rest because among the many choices, it blends well on you? That's how he was. He was my shopping buddy, travel buddy, DRINKING buddy, dance floor partner, protector, my clown on PMS days, he was indeed more than just a boy-friend to me, he was my BESTfriend. He blended perfectly well on CRAZY selfish Alex. He fitted perfectly in my roller coaster ride. But things got out of hand and now he's promising FOREVER to another girl. THE END.
TOO GOOD FOR ME.
Have you ever met someone that made you feel like you're the worst person in the world because you keep on hurting him with things that you do? Well I have. He takes care of me, he's sweet, he's nice. He's everything a GIRL would ask for in a boyfie. But I am definitely not the right girl for him. THE END.
CHILDHOOD CRUSH.
I guess you've had your childhood sweetheart. I didn't. But I did have several admirers back then. And he was one of those who had persistently been asking my parents if I could go out on a date already. My parents, my family rather, welcomed him with open arms to our family and our home. And all the while I thought that it might be good since it would be easier already. But shit happens. Again, it happened. One sunday afternoon after hearing mass, I stared at him and suddenly thought to myself, IS THIS REALLY WHAT I WANTED? Someone who my parents love but I couldn't even have a good, FUN and sensible conversation with? I just had to end it right then and there.
HANG-OVER.
For many of my friends, it's a not a secret. And for the first time, in the last three years, I am openly talking about it. I've been the most vulnerable person. Most of you might say it doesn't seem like it but truth of the matter is, yes. I've changed a lot after that break-up. It has given me the chance to reinvent and make myself better at the same lose my strength to fall in love again. For someone who has soooo much love to give, I've always been a failure.
I had the hardest time moving on. And I guess everyone would agree to that. In movies you'd see girls crying there hearts out, not being able to eat, staring blankly on thin air became a hobby, loss of sleep and even alcohol won't affect their body. I've been through all those and so much more. I could go by a day with just purely drinking beer and no food intake at all. All the while I thought things that happen in the movies are fictional. And my experience proved me wrong.
No words could ever explain how "HURT" feels. No book would ever be able to teach you how coping up should be. And no time is LONG enough for wounds to heal. It scars you forever and just like any other scar, it will be there. No matter how long it has been or how healed it is. It's within you, deep inside you.
And because I'm crazy like that, this entry will go AAAALLLLLL the way down to the last drop of detail. :) So, GOODLUCK for me. (DISCLAIMER: For the sake of the other people involved, I will not drop names, i hope you understand)
I GET YOU SHAMCEY SUPSUP!
A few months in my healing stage back in 2009, i met a BOY. Someone who gave me back a part of me that I lost in my previous break-up. He was, indeed, a prince charming. Literally and figuratively. EHEM! We started going out and for everyone to know, I TOOK THE CHANCE. I guess I was still hung-over by the previous love story that I thought to myself, GO AHEAD! So most of you might be asking, THEN WHAT ALEX? of course! It ended. Not as happily ever after as I expected it to be. I am admitting that I fell in love with someone who worships a different God. As what Shamcey told the universe, "If I have to change my religious belief, I will not marry the person I love because the first person that I love is God and He created me. And I have my faith, my principles and it what makes me who I am. And if that person loves me, he should love my God." It was not just a question of faith. It was a question of changing who I've been for the past years. Though things didn't work out between the two of us, he has never failed to remind me that he's thankful every January 24th because my creator gave the world one crazy curly catholic girl who loves inevitably.
And that was when I forgot to get my heart back to shape.
The next guys are, of course, guys I met from my friends who have been very supportive and eager to find me a new prince charming.
First sign of ENGINEER ADDICTION.
Mapua hunky had me kilig all over. He was sweet and all those. We almost had it. Then I snapped. I just woke up and I couldn't stand being sweet to him and him being sweet to me. Yes I know I'm crazy but that was how it all went honestly. I woke up and just shut my phone and wouldn't answer him at all 'til he called me one night, actually in the wee hours of the night, asking me what was wrong. Then knowing Alex, who loves sleeping, was rudely screaming on the phone telling him to leave her alone. THE END.
BREAK IT ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
then came wedding coordinator, who by the way, is a good guy. A very simple guy. My sister and brother in law liked him a lot because he was nice. But I guess I just woke up again one day realizing that I don't want to prolong the thing of us going out while i'm still in doubt about us. So one gimik night, we went to this club and that was when I broke the news to him that it's not going to work out and I'm sorry. THE END.
NEW WORLD, NEW MARKET.
Immediately after, I met a NEW GUY again. This one was different. He was already working like I was but I wasn't PHYSICALLY attracted to him. BUt he seemed nice and he was indeed a funny guy. This time, I was thinking, if I can't be physically attracted to him, why the hell was I fond of him? I had to find out. So we talked. We texted. Things like that again. And then, that's when I realized I'm not ready to settle down. Crazy as it seems but I just thought that, with all the heartaches and hardships I went through just to get to where I was on that exact moment, I had to choose the best among the rest. In short, I was thinking of considering dating other people in the mean time. And he wasn't up to that. And I understood. THE END
WHEN IT RAINS, IT FOURS.
I dated FOUR different guys all at the same time. So what? you're going to judge me now? hahaha! what was a girl, in her early twenties got to do? settle down and have kids? maybe for some but definitely not for me! :) and it got boring again for me and there wasn't anything special, so I ditched them. One by one. BBBBBAAAAAAADDDDDDDD Alex!!!!!!!
MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE.
Well there's a reason why he's my ALL TIME FAVORITE. Do you know that moment in your life where you're choosing which shoes or dress you want to wear for that special date? And you'd choose that one specific pair of shoes or clothing among the rest because among the many choices, it blends well on you? That's how he was. He was my shopping buddy, travel buddy, DRINKING buddy, dance floor partner, protector, my clown on PMS days, he was indeed more than just a boy-friend to me, he was my BESTfriend. He blended perfectly well on CRAZY selfish Alex. He fitted perfectly in my roller coaster ride. But things got out of hand and now he's promising FOREVER to another girl. THE END.
TOO GOOD FOR ME.
Have you ever met someone that made you feel like you're the worst person in the world because you keep on hurting him with things that you do? Well I have. He takes care of me, he's sweet, he's nice. He's everything a GIRL would ask for in a boyfie. But I am definitely not the right girl for him. THE END.
CHILDHOOD CRUSH.
I guess you've had your childhood sweetheart. I didn't. But I did have several admirers back then. And he was one of those who had persistently been asking my parents if I could go out on a date already. My parents, my family rather, welcomed him with open arms to our family and our home. And all the while I thought that it might be good since it would be easier already. But shit happens. Again, it happened. One sunday afternoon after hearing mass, I stared at him and suddenly thought to myself, IS THIS REALLY WHAT I WANTED? Someone who my parents love but I couldn't even have a good, FUN and sensible conversation with? I just had to end it right then and there.
HANG-OVER.
I was at my lowest that time and I held on to whoever would give me the feeling of security again because I was, unfortunately, longing for Mr. All time favorite. And HANG-OVER was at the wrong place and wrong time. And when I finally realized that he's not coming back, I had to stop my wishful thinking. I suddenly felt empty and sad. I felt all the hurt and I was no longer happy. So I had to stop and be fair.
GYM BUFF.
Was then also mending a broken heart. We found in each other the attention and time we both were longing for. However, I just knew that attention and time is not enough. And he was again, one of my EPIC fails.
Was then also mending a broken heart. We found in each other the attention and time we both were longing for. However, I just knew that attention and time is not enough. And he was again, one of my EPIC fails.
WHEW. There are two things in my mind while I was writing this. People might hate me OR they might understand me a little bit more. This is not meant to bash all the guys I've mentioned. This is not even to uplift my ego. This is my way of "letting go". Last night while I was with good friends, drinking beer and sharing stories, I realized that maybe, I've been holding back myself for too long. Too long that even though I dont intend to hurt people's feelings, i UNINTENTIONALLY do. I've been protecting myself from all the hurt that might happen that I unintentionally push people away from me. People who might be the one I've been waiting for.
So for all the guys I've met, from the bottom of my heart, I'm SORRY for hurting you. And I'm sorry for letting you scar me and hurt me too. Shamcey boy, thank you for always remembering my birthday. And though we live different worlds now, thank you for making a little girl's fairytale dream come true. If not for you, I wouldn't still be waiting for another fairytale dream come true now.
For Mapua hunky and wedding coordinator, I'm glad that you guys found girls that are meant for you. I'm happy that we still keep in touch despite what happened and we get to just laugh about it now.
For NEW GUY, I haven't thanked you for being one of the most understanding person I've met. Thank you for... uhmm, just being you and keeping things easy though you were having a hard time with me already.
For the four guys, I'm happy now that ALL of you are happy. You don't just have gf's now, you have babies!LOL. And I'm just happy and thankful for everything you have taught me and thank you also for letting me touch your lives in any way I can.
For too good to be true, I know it was hard for you. I was crazy and you we're just three steps ahead of me. I heard about your new girlfriend and they said you perfectly blend well with each other. Which makes me even more happier. Thank you for all the sweet little things that you did for me and not to mention your EFFORTS in making me feel very special. Always remember what I said, you are the PERFECT guy. But I'm not the girl for you.
For Chilhood crush, it's awkward I know. Seeing me everytime you hang-out at our house with my brother. And I guess it's even more crazier once you see me hanging out with someone else. I've been avoiding that believe me. I've caused you pain already and I don't want to rub it more on your face. I've learned a lot from you and to be honest, I felt happy remembering US. Cause I took a chance, I took that risk of bringing our friendship to the next level. It just wasn't fitting in to what I need and want. And I thought that prolonging it would be more unfair to you, just like all those before you. Because I would be keeping you away from the possibility of meeting someone who actually is MEANT for you and not someone who's TRYING to be MEANT for you.
For GYM BUFF, I just couldn't stand being around you and be irritated because we can't TALK. You like spending time together but I just cannot appreciate the "together" feeling because silence kills me. We don't even have a SINGLE common interest. And though it was hard for me to admit that you're AGAIN, not the one for me, I had to. Because it was already heart breaking for me being with you.
For HANG OVER, thank you for being nice and sweet while we we're still going out. Thank you for accepting my friends and treating them as you own. I'm sorry for not telling you earlier what I was going through. Where my mind wanders sometimes and where my heart really was. I was hurt and I know it's not an excuse for me to use you to move on. I was, in fact, HUNG-OVER of Mr. All time favorite. I hope someday you'd get to find it in your heart to forgive me and move on.
And for MR. ALL TIME FAVORITE, you know that i'll never find someone like you. But I guess that's what life wanted me to learn from you - Take chances cause opportunities knock once. I'll always remember what you said, that "there's a place in you where my fingertips still rest, my kisses still linger, my whispers still echo and my face that reminds you of me. It's a place in you where a part of me will FOREVER be a part of you." If only I have met you when my heart can still say I'm ready. But things just didn't work out that way and maybe it's because destiny won't allow it. But through it all, thank you so much for everything.
I haven't really cleared it out in my head what I want and what I need to be able to take the risk, until last tuesday night. Sa lahat ng tinakbuhan ko ng mga gabing yun, kayo na talaga!!! It was the first time I ever regretted pushing someone close to me away. And you guys made me realize that it's okay for me to admit that I was wrong in pushing him away. It's okay to admit that you actually DID find someone who'd change everything. Someone who made you jump without hesistating. Someone you could actually get used to being with. Someone who made you feel something you haven't felt for the past years. Someone who would actually make you understand why things just wont work out with other guys. Why you decided to wait. Someone who'd actually make you understand that all the heartaches and pain you've been through actually led you to him. Someone who'd make you his CHOICE and not his option.
Now I know exactly what I want. I want to love. I want to fall and just wait for my wings to spread. If it doesn't, then I'll dust it off and try again. I don't want to have "what if's", i dont want to think that "it's impossible", i don't ever want to say "it's risky", I want to prove everyone that falling inlove is not "pointless", I want to give my heart, myself the chance to TRY. Then maybe, just maybe, I won't feel alone anymore. I want to be as brave as all my friends are who've been though so much but still standing strong, trying and trying.
Let this be a sign of me letting go. Of me moving forward. Of me CLAIMING that I will fall deeply inlove with him without thinking that it's pointless. Of me accepting the fact that YES he might hurt me but at least he is WORTH the pain. Of me taking all the FEAR and making it my strength to not HURT him or PUSH him away.
I now know what I NEED to be able to take the risk. I need him to hold my hand and be patient with me while I take my baby steps. I am nowhere near perfect. Nor am I in tip top shape in loving. But I... Kristeen Alexis Valenciano is WILLING to compromise and adjust. (OMG! did I just say that???) And I PROMISE, i won't INTENTIONALLY hurt you and throw tantrums just to push you away.
Ciao bellas,
Alex
